Stella Agwor: How to Help Fathers Heal After Baby Loss

When a family experiences the devastating loss of a baby, considerably, the focus is always on the mother’s grief. However, the fathers’ pains are often overlooked because society demands that they remain strong. But they grieve too, often silently. In many cultures, particularly African contexts, men are expected to suppress their emotions and “hold it together” for their families in every situation. This burden of silence sometimes leads to emotional consequences for them.

When we lost our first daughter, my husband did what so many men are taught to do—he buried his pain. For years, he held back his grief, thinking that he needed to be strong for me and the family. This unprocessed grief eventually affected our marriage; until he sought therapy and allowed himself to open up his healing began. Today, he advocates for men’s emotional healing and encourages others to confront their grief. He made me realise that men also need space to mourn, even if their pain isn’t always visible.

A Silent Struggle of Men

The grief men experience following baby loss is often invisible, but the impact is significant. Research shows that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, a statistic that affects both parents deeply. In several studies, a big percentage of men reported that miscarriage affected their mental health, with many experiencing depression, anxiety, and isolation. Men were found to be three times more likely than women to experience long-term mental health challenges after a stillbirth or miscarriage, largely due to cultural pressures to hide their emotions. While specific statistics on male grief in Africa are limited, cultural expectations often create an environment where men feel they must suppress their grief. In South Africa, for instance, 47% of men reported feeling they had to hide their emotions after a loss, a pattern that reflects broader cultural norms across many African countries.

Common Myths About Male Grief

A general myth is that men should be strong for their families and must remain stoic and composed to support their families. After a baby’s loss, this expectation can be overwhelming. Men often believe they need to “hold it together,” but this often comes at the cost of their own emotional well-being. While it’s important to support their partners, men also need the space to process their grief.

Another myth is that men don’t feel it the way women do. It is a misconception that men are less emotionally affected by baby loss because they don’t carry the child physically. However, the bond men form with their unborn children is just as real, and their grief is just as deep. Ignoring this bond can lead to emotional wounds that linger for years.

Also, some men believe that talking about their grief won’t change anything. However, various research indicates that expressing emotions, based on any situation, is key to healing. Whether it’s through conversations with friends, family, or a therapist, talking about grief helps to process complex emotions and reduces the burden of carrying them in silence.

The Impact of Unresolved Grief

When men don’t process their grief, the consequences can be severe, both emotionally and physically. Men who suppress their feelings often experience anxiety, depression, or sudden outbursts of anger, according to research. It is harmful when men feel pressured to hide their emotions.

Moreover, unprocessed grief often creates emotional distance between men and their partners. My husband’s buried pain caused tension in our relationship, leading to misunderstandings and a communication breakdown. Many men withdraw emotionally when they don’t know how to express their grief, which can strain relationships and, in some cases, lead to separation or divorce.

Physical health issues are also another consequence of unresolved grief. Grief and stress are closely linked to physical health problems. Men who suppress their emotions are at higher risk for stress-related illnesses such as high blood pressure, heart disease, and insomnia. In Africa, where access to mental health services is limited, less than 10% of people who need mental health care receive it, further complicating the ability of men to process their grief healthily.

After experiencing baby loss, some men may struggle to bond with future children. The fear of losing another child can create emotional distance, making it difficult for fathers to fully engage with their families. This emotional detachment can have long-term effects on the family dynamic and father-child relationships.

Ways to Help Men Grieve Well

Acknowledge Their Grief

One of the most important things you can do is acknowledge that men grieve too. Often, fathers feel overlooked in the grieving process. A simple statement like, “I’m sorry for your loss,” can validate their emotions and open the door for them to express their grief. Acknowledging their pain helps men feel seen and supported.

Encourage Open Conversations

Men are often reluctant to talk about their emotions but providing a safe environment for open conversations can help. Whether with a trusted friend, family member, or counsellor, men need the opportunity to share their grief. Encouraging dialogue can help them begin the healing process.

Offer Alternative Outlets for Grief

Not all men are comfortable with verbal expressions of grief. For those who prefer physical outlets, encourage them to engage in activities that allow them to process their emotions, such as sports, exercise, or creative hobbies. Activities like journaling or engaging in spiritual practices like prayer can also be powerful ways to release grief in a meaningful way.

Challenge Cultural Expectations

The societal expectation for men to remain strong and can prevent them from grieving properly. Men need to challenge these cultural norms and be encouraged to express their emotions without fear of judgment. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, but of strength, and men need to know it’s okay to express pain.

Men grieve too, even if their grief often goes unseen. As we observe Baby Loss Awareness Week, let’s remember the fathers whose hearts are heavy with loss. By acknowledging their pain, challenging societal norms, and offering practical support, we can help men navigate their grief in healthy ways. Grief is not a burden to be carried alone, and men deserve the same compassion and understanding as women in their journey of healing.

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